You can't make fun of Paul Walker.

I am so thankful that I wasn't one of those people who said stupid  shit about Paul Walker . Just mindless people online not  realizing what they are saying.  Take the time to think about something to say instead of  blurt out  the first thing that comes to your mind. That's the whole purpose of thinking, try it sometime you might actually become smart. 

"I always wanted to read people's minds but because of  the internet I changed my mind."- Ironically I found that  quote online.

It's called Social Networking for a reason;  for us to  communicate instead of  wasting time on bashing each other. And honestly with the Paul Walker and Roger Rodas( Yes I remembered the drivers name.) the jokes were getting old fast. No, I wasn't furious in case you were looking for me to insert Fast and Furious joke.   You can't make fun of Paul Walker because this story is too tragic.

 " Yeah but he's a celebrity and he is getting all the attention. What about other people who have died? No recognition there. RIP Everyone else blah blah blah I am a fucking idiot" 

 His story is different because you never heard anything bad or seen him in the tabloids. He was never  intoxicated pissing in public, or Dancing with the Has Beens/ or "Comebacks".  He was on his way to a charity event.  Not to mention that he died before Christmas, another reason why you shouldn't make fun of Paul Walker. And finally, he was re- uniting his relationship with his daughter. That alone deserves first class ticket to Heaven. How many dead beat Dad's are out there?  Rich and poor. Plenty.  

I say we  give Paul Walker the attention he deserves. For we raise our glasses and give toast to Paul Walker. We will never forget Varsity Blues, Joy Ride, Running Scared, and of course  The Fast and The Furious franchise. Except for Toyko Drift. That never happened. You will be remembered for generations.

Cheers to  you  Paul Walker  "The Jesus of Nitrous"  

The Real Thanksgiving.....

This photo is the only reason why I wanted to write this blog. This is my family and I am very thankful for them.  What more can I ask for? Honestly, absolutely nothing. As long as I have my family, I will have everything.  And I will protect my family with my life. Without them, I would be just like my friends. I take that back, I would be worse than my friends. I would be in bad shape. And my friends are in really bad shape. Here are my friends : A Man Child, A Rageaholic, A Forever Swinging Bachelor( Yeah one of those you'll see in his 50's wearing an earing.) A fake tough guy who is actually sensitive , I mean realllly sensitive. Not even  Gays would want to flip this one .  One date with this guy they would say " No dick is not worth that amount of agony. " And you shouldn't, trust me. To top it off he's an idiot.  No common sense whatsoever. Stay away from this one. Men and women. 

But who am I to judge?  If I didn't have my family, I would be ALL of the above or dead. I am not saying that my friends should start a family. Seriously, them procreate? You're fine boys, trust me.  But I needed to be a father. I needed to have a family. And I didn't even realize how much I needed them. 

  A full time Father/Husband/ Stand up Comedian is not easy. Especially for stand up. The only way to make it as a  great comedian is that you have to dedicate your whole life to it. You must soak up everything  all around you for comedy. Thinking and writing comedy 24/7. But as a family man, I can't. I don't  get to have that time, because it's not fair them. They didn't choose a life of a stand up comedian. Not to mention  I am not an easy person to live with but I've been changing my ways. I still need a lot of work, but I will change for them.  

That's why I can't stand Thanksgiving, seeing people that I don't care see nor  call on  regular basis. We say our hellos, hugs and respects. Then we sit down with our fake smiles and bull shit about mindless whatever and then we say" Hey great thanksgiving. I will see you next year"  If it was up to me; my perfect  Thanksgiving would be me, my wife and kids, and few of my friends.  My kids need a play date and they can teach my friends responsibility. Plus we all would drink, eat and watch Bob's Burgers. Paradise. But it's not about me it's about what they want. Sure it sounds fun, but my kids love visiting everyone. Wait a second, maybe theirs something wrong with me and everyone hates hanging out with me?  If I wasn't a father, I wouldn't think this through nor have the compassion to think about this.  Thank you family! That is why I will do whatever they want me too. I owe it to them.  

My family  loves me and supports my comedy dream. And I am truly living the dream, but without them it would be a nightmare. The love they give me is the most amazing feeling anyone could imagine.  Whenever I come home from a shitty gig they are there and love me as much as if I got a standing ovation. It doesn't matter to them, because they love me for me. They also give me the encouragement take leaps and bounds to whatever I want to achieve. When I am with them it feel invinceable. 

To my wife and beautiful girls, I love you very much and very thankful to have you. Forever and always.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

STOP EVERYTHING NOW!!!!!

This is your brain telling you to stop with everything right now! No this isn't Mike Betancourt blogging. This is your brain telling you to stop with everything right now! Are you starting to see a pattern?
This is your brain telling you to stop with everything right now! Stop!

Now that I have your attention, let's discuss why we need to stop with everything right now.

Listen up Will Robinson , too much information will create an overload. You need to do the following to prevent Mind -Malfunction.

1. Read a book- Noticed I said a book not an article online.  Do not spend all day online. Take time to read a book.  Yes I know it's ironic that you have to go online to read this blog and for me to tell you to stay off line and read a book. After you read this blog, then read a book. It wont hurt me.

2. Turn off your TV. - There are too many frequencies  on television that can alter my wave of thinking. From the ticker that you see on CNN, to loud commercials, to  Spongebob Squarepants. It is terrible for me and it's making me laz.....Uh shoot I feel asleep for a second. Sorry about that.  See Too much TV, I spoke Inglish well. Although, nothing is wrong with watching a movie. Especially Man of Steel- Best Superman Flick ever made.

3.  Meditate- Not only will meditating calm you down, but it allows me to rest, recollect and recharge. And yes, sleeping helps out too. Combination  of meditating and getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night, will keep me sharp.

4. Cut out the junk food- Everything that comes in a box or package is bad for me. Stop poisoning me with crap! Everytime you eat junk food it clogs my  vision. It sucks. 5 hour energy crack is not what I asked for.

5. Positive thinking- Not only will positive thinking  help me come up with brilliant ideas, but it will also keep me happy. And when I am happy, you're happy which leads to everyone else being happy. Fear, doubt, hate, and anger  can stay with junk food.

6. Have fun- Draw, paint, play music, or just being creative everyday is what you need in your life. Also go out side and enjoy the Sun and fresh air. Unless you live in China where the smog is so thick they have to shut down schools for a day. Then stay inside and online, it's actually healthier for you.

7. Love- Do I really need to explain this?

Listen to me everyone. Follow these rules. Make me happy and keep me happy.

Thank you.

Veterans Day

There is nothing more disgusting when I see a holiday being taking for granted. Especially for Veterans Day. "10% off on all Sales. Get your bull shit product today!"

Really Corporate America? What's next the 9/11 blow out sale? It wouldn't surprise me. Give it 10 more years tops and you'll see 9/11 sales all over Automalls. Listen up, blood has been shed on a battle field. And you want to exploit that for your personal gain? Are any of these profits going back to the Vets and their family? Don't answer that, we already know the answer.

That is not what we Veterans signed up for. To be continued propaganda for profit. If anything it should be a day of remembrance. It should be a day where we remember everyone's name who we lost in battle. Both sides. After all, aren't we just following orders. We believe what was told to us without question, because we loved our country. We had great pride when we wore our uniforms and felt like we were worth something when we came home. People would cheer us on, and shake our hands, buy us drinks, and always say "Thank you for your service". We would smile and soak up all the attention because hell after all we deserved it. We were doing something that no one else in our family would step up to do. Or we came from a bloodline that we continued the tradition.  Don't forget about the  Montgomery GI Bill. Let's be honest Vets, you like that free schooling. Don't lie.

But what about the ones that got kicked out over some bull shit reason?  What about the ones who got kicked out after 4 years of service with a good conduct medal and was Nominated for a Navy Achievement Award. Yeah that's what happened to me. Don't worry this is not going to be a woe is me thing. Because that's not what we were trained to do. No, we were trained to pick up ourselves and move forward. I don't want to get off topic and it's a really long story on how I got kicked out, with Honorable Conditions. Not Honorable Discharge. Meaning I didn't get the dough. If you want to hear more about my story, come see me live at one of my shows.  Remember this, I am not the only one who got kicked out over some stupid reasons. I know a plethora of fellow Vets who got kicked over some real bull shit reasons. If anyone else is out there who got screwed over from the Military  contact me, I would love to hear your story.

But back to what I was originally talking about. What happens to us Vets when we get out?  Nothing. Just some bull shit transfer me out class and on your way. That's it. Which is kind of odd, because the Military spends so much time transforming us into them and they don't have the audacity to transform us back when we're done. No therapy? No psych evaluation? No meditation? Nothing? Nope, because THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT US! Plain and simple. In their eyes we are expendables , a gear, a pee on.

I don't believe that. And here is what I posted on facebook which inspired me to write this blog " Whatever your feelings you have about our government and the world today, just remember that everyone who enlisted believed in one thing. Honor not corruption. My fellow Veterans, remember the vow we made: To protect this country against all enemies foreign and domestic. Your duty isn't over because you are not wearing a uniform. You're still worth something and you can still make a difference in this world. Protect your family which is humanity . Happy Veterans Day!" 

It's true Veterans, you're still worth something. When I got home, I was tired, exhausted and embarrassed. I didn't know how to function, my first three months I was stuck in my room drinking whiskey and playing cards by myself. That void of being there for someone went away. I didn't know what my purpose was anymore. But I finally found it, I am a Father who loves his family very much. I will do anything for them and I will protect them from any danger. That is what I was trained to do. I have to protect my family by protecting Humanity. You can do the same Veterans. Pick up yourself  and rise above everything. Don't fear the New World Order. Don't fear the economic collapse. Don't fear anything.

Remember your  core values  Honor. Courage. Commitment.

Happy Veterans Day!

Get these F'N kids out F'N side!

ATTENTION PARENTS, SINGLE PEOPLE AND ANYONE WHO HATES BEING AROUND CHILDREN!  Yes I am going to announce the blog title immediately.

                                         GET THESE F'N KIDS OUT F'N SIDE!

From a parents point of view: It is the best feeling in the world to see your kids smile. To hear them laugh. And witness their genius through their imagination.

From a singles point of view: Fellas there are a ton, I mean a TON of hot single MILFS at a park. Holy cow! Do you know how you can tell a who is a  good woman ? If their children are the best kids in the world, smart,  well respected and driven. Stay away from that Mom, she is a dirt bag. Kids always want to be opposite from their parents. Remember that.

Don't worry ladies, I haven't forgotten about you. In order to find out who is a good man, you don't go to the man who is playing with their child. He's not a good person.

He could be the following:

1. Fake and just wants to get laid and never call you again.

2. A child molester and you should call 911.

3. A serial killer and giving this kids it's last rights or using that kid as bait to kill you. Again call 911.

The best way to find out if is he is a good man you need to go to their friend next to him who has children. About 99% of the time that friend is gonna be a damn good wingman. And he wants to live viciously through him, so he is gonna set him up for the spike. And yes laides he will call you again, because that wingman wants his single friend to have a kid so they can enjoy their misery together. Boom you're welcome!

And for the people who hate being around  kids: You can enjoy watching your TV in peace,  eat at a quiet restaurant in tranquility, or enjoy the bar. Trust me there will be plenty of people there too. Misery loves company, and misery needs to get laid.

Now, does everyone see the benefits of having kids play outside? It not only develops imagination for the children, but it creates an amazing social environment for everyone.  While the kids are playing, getting fresh air, parents and single ready to mingle adults can come together and talk about real issues.

Such as:

1. Who wants to party at my house? - That's it.

And then when we are at someone's house getting drunk, eating like royalty we can then discuss about how our system is ruining everything. From the environment, war, economy and our children being brainwash to think only one way. Remember grades don't determine how smart you are. It determines how well you can consume information. And a lot of us can't even do that right, but that doesn't make us stupid. We need each other, respect each genius the same.

" True knowledge exist in knowing that you know nothing"- Socrates

Blowhard!

I WAS RAPED!

Operator: 911 what is your emergency!

Me: (Crying) Help me!

Operator: What is your emergency sir?

Me: I've been raped! (Crying) Oh my God, I have been raped! Help me.

Operator: Sir what is your location?

Me:  I kept saying no!

Operator: What is your location?

Me: (Crying) I'm on the couch right now.

Operator: Sir, is your TV on?

Me: Yes.

Operator: Turn it off sir. Turn it off now.


And that is what Television has done to me. It's finally raped my mind. There is nothing left up here except for my pituitary gland, which is smaller than a pea. I have no idea what I am doing in this place. Seriously, why am I sitting on my ass watching TV? What is so good about watching show after show after show after show after show. " Because I've been busy all day, I just want to sit and veg and go numb"- Then take some drugs. Weed, LSD, Mushrooms, Acid if needed. Never tried it nor want to go that far. Weed of course. We all do it don't lie. I bet teachers are the biggest pot heads. Yes all teachers . Lord knows they need to smoke the most out of all of us. No way would I put up with all those kids every day and still be able to have a smile afterwards. Puff away Teach!

Let's be honest everyone. I am not some kind of hippie saying " We can't let the corporation take us down, so we can free our minds man. "   All I'm sayin is  "We CAN'T LET CORPORATIONS TAKE US DOWN , WE NEED TO FREE OUR MINDS...man"

WARNING FUKUSHIMA DISASTER HAS CONTAMINATED THE WEST COAST FOR THE NEXT 16 MILLION YEARS!

Don't believe me? Do your research. But here read up on this first: http://askaboutfukushimanow.com/2012/12/

Why hasn't this news been a #1 issue? Why is there no State of Emergency? Because they figured we're fucked anyways. Why bother?   So what if it's over for the West Coast for the next 16 billion years, look on the bright side. 11 million years from now ,  the ring of debris around Mars will clash into the surface of our planet nearly killing every little thing in it's site. That generation is really fucked!

Fear not fellow Mutants, for we shall not worry. If I was you, I would stop paying bills not giving a shit about everything. Except family, food, fun, drinks, drugs and the beach. Ooops, I wouldn't go there. 

Actually, now that I think about it. Now I see why there are so many shows for us to watch. We've been lobotomized.

Anyone want to watch One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest with me? Great flick.