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Monday, March 31, 2014

Daaa System

This blog will work if it's in Bill Swerski's voice. If you're not sure whothat is, then imagine it in George Wendt's (Norm from Cheers) voice, but for added fun, think visually of Chris Farley as the picture suggests. Oh, you don't remember the TV show, Cheers? What the hell is wrong with you kid?
Bill Swerski's voice:
You see America, that's the problem with today's youth. Sure, I may sound like a grandpa while sitting on my soapbox, chanting out foul remarks and saying that the only greatest football team is "Da Bears"
Everyone:
DAAAA BEARS
Back to Bill Swerski's voice:
Daaaamn right! Let's not get side tracked here because I know today's attention span is limit--Hey where are you going? Come back here and finish reading this blog. Sheesh, kids today. Do you see the problem folks? Not only are kids' attention spans short, but there isn't anyone that they can look up to. Sure, they may know about legends and former pioneers, but there isn't any role model making an impact. Well, I take that back, there are plenty of role models(or even entertainers) out there who are smart and want to make a difference; but, the kids need to stop watching TV because THEY ARE NO LONGER ON TV ANYMORE! Dats right kids, all the rocking rebels, The Rage Against The Machine, Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, Chris Farley( Farley) Who was funnier than Farely? Daaaa..... He gets your blood flowing with aggression and makes you want to--
Chris Farley's voice
"LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!" 

Aggressive entertainers aren't on TV any more. Turn that crap off! Get out of the mainstream and turn the other way. Independent entertainers are making shockwaves again and it's time for you kids to know that first hand. Speaking of first hand, stop reading your history books and start making History. Invent something, create something, become a CEO. That's what you need to do!  I know firsthand, dat there is another Nikola Tesla out there, waiting to piss off the powers that be. And I salute ya. 
Ok kids, you know your assignment and you know what you need to do. 

Daaaa Bears! 




Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Preacher's Kid

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Fuck You Cancer!





About fourteen million people each year get cancer! What does that tell us? It's everywhere. It's in our food, water, air, and smartphones. Cancer is an epidemic, and it continues to spread each and every day. You, reading this right now, you know someone who has or had cancer. You might have even lost someone to it or maybe you have it. I'm with you. You are not alone and I wouldn't be this passionate about the subject if it wasnt too close for comfort. I'm angry, frustrated and confused about everything. Fuck you Cancer! I hope Cancer dies from Cancer! You've been around far too long and it's time for you to leave. It's time for a cure!

"But Mike, they've been doing research to find a cure"-Everyone

I don't know how many times I've heard that line but I am tired of researching the problem. Research doesn't do anything anymore. Its 2014, if we can make a watch into a phone, connect with people all over the world, we can find a cure. In 2012, global drug companies made $85 billion dollars in net profits. That's take home money. I'm sure it's doubled, hell even tripled since then because business is booming. If global drug companies can make that much off of the sick, I am sure they can find the fucking cure. If anyone deserves to be in the unemployment line, it's the big pharmaceutical companies; don't worry, they can afford it.

So what doe we do? Do we stand up and fight our government? Grab your picket signs, load your guns and let's go!

Wait I didn't say revolution. Put the safety on. Let's do something different. What if we changed the way we think? Change the way we live? Change the way we eat? We could changed everything that has been beaten into our minds since birth. Meditate, breathe and relax. I am not trying to be an Alex Jones marching on Captiol Hill to End the Fed. That is too much stress and anger I don't need; plus, nowadays that can probably cause cancer.

" Namaste assholes!" - voice of Jean Claude Van Damme

I'm not trying to compete in a rat race for fame and fortune. I am focused on the present moment each and every day. I love my family, friends and stand-up comedy. I perform stand-up comedy to touch lives, not to profit from it. Much like my fellow comedians who hustle and grind every day, I also perform for charity events to raise money. We don't do it for research. We do it for people to enjoy something. We do it to give people one moment in their lives to forget about cancer, medical bills, and stress. We take great pride in doing something that no pharmaceutical companies can ever do in their life time. Fuck you Cancer!

Oh don't forget, weed should be a mandatory prescription for every cancer patient. An automatic dime bag, free of charge. I am sorry did I say dime bag? I meant a pound.

All jokes aside, the worst thing about cancer is seeing a child suffer. Children are meant to run, play, laugh, love, eat ice cream, have movie night, stay up late on the weekends, ride bikes, fly kites, use their imaginations and simply be free. Some of them can go into remission and continue their childhood, but others are no so fortunate. Most of them have to mature faster than an average adult, only to become the strongest person in that family. With their strength, they create inspiration, just like Sy Sherman did for me. I met him at a charity show for him, titled F' Cancer. He was my co-host and had that 'it factor' at age 10. He was one of the smartest, coolest kids I have ever met and I will never forget him. Thank you Sy for bringing all of us together, your family is still in my heart and if they are reading this, I love you all and I am very grateful to have shared the stage with Sy.

For those who have lost someone to cancer, remember they are never forgotten, their spirit lives through us, gives us motivation to better ourselves. We live to love and their name will always live forever.