She-Rex ( Jurassic Park )

13 years later.... 9/11 remains.

Today is a good day to write a blog. I haven't written a blog in quite sometime so I am glad dust off the cobwebs and start writing. As I sit here thinking about 9/11, I can only remember a few things: the fear, the cries, the loved ones, the anger. The worst thing to me about 9/11 were the ones who jumped out and fell to their deaths. That has been with me and I am sure a lot of you. Before that moment, life as we knew it was pretty easy. Not a care in the world,  MTV was pretty cool but on it's way to the shit factory.Smart phones was just a theory, and Lord of The Rings just came out. It was fresh from the 90's so we all still had that cool, Hip -Hop, KC and Jo jo , Linkin Park( Insert whatever band that made you feel great during this time)  vibe.

But then the planes hit......

  I am not here to waive the flag and say 9/11 was an inside job. Although thirteen years later the evidence has been stacked very high and Building 7 has never explained. I am not saying our Government pushed the red button. But  personally; they got lazy, knew what was going to happen and allowed it to happen. For one thing and one thing only. Yes I do believe that, and I was apart of it. I was in the Navy sailing out to fight for our country. To blow them terrorist straight to hell!

I am 33 years old now, who's been out of the Navy for ten years.  I have a family, three cats, a fish and a dog named Falkor.   I am a stand up comedian, an ok actor and a shitty writer. Punctuation is where it kills me. I'm sorry.  I've made people laugh, yell, and leap for joy. But I will never betray the trust of those who believe in me. I will never allow for those who I love dearly stay in harms way and do nothing about it. I am a father, friend and one who will protect those around me. And I am sure you would too. 

For those who lost their lives on 9/11 were our family. We must always be awaken to remember that the truth has not been said. For our family, we must always fight for them. We must always keep asking and always keep remembering. We must not believe what is on TV but what is in our hearts.  I don't believe in politics but do believe in unity. I do believe that we will prevail and we will create a society that only love is our God and not money. It's the only way because we owe our lives to everyone who died on 9/11. That is our only purpose. We must change, we must believe and we must...

Never Forget 9/11/2001

We're Supportive

Daaa System

This blog will work if it's in Bill Swerski's voice. If you're not sure whothat is, then imagine it in George Wendt's (Norm from Cheers) voice, but for added fun, think visually of Chris Farley as the picture suggests. Oh, you don't remember the TV show, Cheers? What the hell is wrong with you kid?

Bill Swerski's voice:

You see America, that's the problem with today's youth. Sure, I may sound like a grandpa while sitting on my soapbox, chanting out foul remarks and saying that the only greatest football team is "Da Bears"

Everyone:

DAAAA BEARS

Back to Bill Swerski's voice:

Daaaamn right! Let's not get side tracked here because I know today's attention span is limit--Hey where are you going? Come back here and finish reading this blog. Sheesh, kids today. Do you see the problem folks? Not only are kids' attention spans short, but there isn't anyone that they can look up to. Sure, they may know about legends and former pioneers, but there isn't any role model making an impact. Well, I take that back, there are plenty of role models(or even entertainers) out there who are smart and want to make a difference; but, the kids need to stop watching TV because THEY ARE NO LONGER ON TV ANYMORE! Dats right kids, all the rocking rebels, The Rage Against The Machine, Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, Chris Farley( Farley) Who was funnier than Farely? Daaaa..... He gets your blood flowing with aggression and makes you want to--

Chris Farley's voice

"LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!" 

Aggressive entertainers aren't on TV any more. Turn that crap off! Get out of the mainstream and turn the other way. Independent entertainers are making shockwaves again and it's time for you kids to know that first hand. Speaking of first hand, stop reading your history books and start making History. Invent something, create something, become a CEO. That's what you need to do!  I know firsthand, dat there is another Nikola Tesla out there, waiting to piss off the powers that be. And I salute ya. 

Ok kids, you know your assignment and you know what you need to do. 

Daaaa Bears! 

Preacher's Kid

Training Day Heckle

Fuck You Cancer!

About fourteen million people each year get cancer! What does that tell us? It's everywhere. It's in our food, water, air, and smartphones. Cancer is an epidemic, and it continues to spread each and every day. You, reading this right now, you know someone who has or had cancer. You might have even lost someone to it or maybe you have it. I'm with you. You are not alone and I wouldn't be this passionate about the subject if it wasnt too close for comfort. I'm angry, frustrated and confused about everything. Fuck you Cancer! I hope Cancer dies from Cancer! You've been around far too long and it's time for you to leave. It's time for a cure!

"But Mike, they've been doing research to find a cure"-Everyone

I don't know how many times I've heard that line but I am tired of researching the problem. Research doesn't do anything anymore. Its 2014, if we can make a watch into a phone, connect with people all over the world, we can find a cure. In 2012, global drug companies made $85 billion dollars in net profits. That's take home money. I'm sure it's doubled, hell even tripled since then because business is booming. If global drug companies can make that much off of the sick, I am sure they can find the fucking cure. If anyone deserves to be in the unemployment line, it's the big pharmaceutical companies; don't worry, they can afford it.

So what doe we do? Do we stand up and fight our government? Grab your picket signs, load your guns and let's go!

Wait I didn't say revolution. Put the safety on. Let's do something different. What if we changed the way we think? Change the way we live? Change the way we eat? We could changed everything that has been beaten into our minds since birth. Meditate, breathe and relax. I am not trying to be an Alex Jones marching on Captiol Hill to End the Fed. That is too much stress and anger I don't need; plus, nowadays that can probably cause cancer.

" Namaste assholes!" - voice of Jean Claude Van Damme

I'm not trying to compete in a rat race for fame and fortune. I am focused on the present moment each and every day. I love my family, friends and stand-up comedy. I perform stand-up comedy to touch lives, not to profit from it. Much like my fellow comedians who hustle and grind every day, I also perform for charity events to raise money. We don't do it for research. We do it for people to enjoy something. We do it to give people one moment in their lives to forget about cancer, medical bills, and stress. We take great pride in doing something that no pharmaceutical companies can ever do in their life time. Fuck you Cancer!

Oh don't forget, weed should be a mandatory prescription for every cancer patient. An automatic dime bag, free of charge. I am sorry did I say dime bag? I meant a pound.

All jokes aside, the worst thing about cancer is seeing a child suffer. Children are meant to run, play, laugh, love, eat ice cream, have movie night, stay up late on the weekends, ride bikes, fly kites, use their imaginations and simply be free. Some of them can go into remission and continue their childhood, but others are no so fortunate. Most of them have to mature faster than an average adult, only to become the strongest person in that family. With their strength, they create inspiration, just like Sy Sherman did for me. I met him at a charity show for him, titled F' Cancer. He was my co-host and had that 'it factor' at age 10. He was one of the smartest, coolest kids I have ever met and I will never forget him. Thank you Sy for bringing all of us together, your family is still in my heart and if they are reading this, I love you all and I am very grateful to have shared the stage with Sy.

For those who have lost someone to cancer, remember they are never forgotten, their spirit lives through us, gives us motivation to better ourselves. We live to love and their name will always live forever.

Pussy Riot galor!

Punk is back – for the right reason – finally! No more fake-Pepsi-filled-Target-shopping-wannabe-punk-songs! Your days are over! Thank God – and, by God, I mean whatever higher power you believe in. The list is too long and I don't want to get sidetracked. 

Would Good Charlotte do what Pussy Riot did? Exactly; you're fired GC! You're no longer allowed to be called “punk.”  Punk music is back in a big way, which is what we need.  No more hypnotic-corporate-music money! Hallelujah, there’s music that will make me think again! Excellent! Thank you Pussy Riot! I am on your side. You made a statement and I salute you. I must say "Putin Will Teach You how to Love" is pretty kick-ass, and, their video makes it even better...BECAUSE IT'S REAL! It doesn't get more Punk than that. 

And I can see Hollywood drooling over this project. How about a Martin Scorsese film? There's an idea. Leonardo DiCaprio can play Putin with Jonah Hill as Gorbachev. Yes we know Jonah is skinny again, but he can afford to put on some method acting weight, win an Oscar, then lose said vanity weight; and then, play an AIDS patient just in time to win another Oscar.  See, the story writes itself!  That alone is worth the price of admission, but knowing Hollywood, Pussy Riot will become an over saturated sellout machine."(Insert Band Name Here) will never sell out!"  See what I mean?

Keep rocking Pussy Riot! The world is awake and we are watching. Now, if we could just get off our asses and actually do something; well, that's a different story. I mean who is going to read this blog? Exactly. It's all about me and my gain. Oh crap I sound like Good Charlotte.

Watch their video and decide if they are truly PUNK!

Tim Burton! If you're going to make Beetlejuice 2 please listen to your fans.

If you're not going to End The Fed or protest for Humanity, then get off your soapbox  and listen up. Beetlejuice 2 is in everyone's mind. What does that mean for humanity? How about the very last ray of hope that something  from our childhood isn't crushed. Beetlejuice isn't just a masterpiece, it's more. He's you. Beetlejuice is everything you've always wanted to do but you can't. Absolute freedom to do whatever you fucking feel like. That's who. He's the iconic rebel without a cause, the ultimate prankster and if you look at this picture closely he looks a lot like Heath Ledger: or Philip Seymour Hoffman if you want something more recent. Congrats Philip, 16 days sober.( or enter number if you are reading this at a later date) 

Beetlejuice voice " It's a fucking joke!" Honk Honk!

Yeah I am ready to see Beetlejuice again. I just hope Hollywood doesn't screw this one up. How many have you heard that line? Why don't we do something about it? Let's do something really simple.  Let's send this blog to everyone and anyone including Tim Burton and Michael Keaton. I pray they read this blog and steal the idea I am about to impart. I am not asking for fame or fortune. Al I am asking in return is a GREAT FUCKING MOVIE!

Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Transformers, GI Joe, Anchorman 2( not from my childhood just wanted to add another movie) Do you really want Beetlejuice added to this list? No and HELL NO! Sure we can make a script and send it out or make a promo video but I am a no-name working comic, with kids and hustling to make my fan base grow. I don't have time for that. I wish I did, but I don't .You do Tim. So listen to the ones who are on your side. 

Ok here are my ideas:

First choice:

If you are going to make a sequel from a Cult classic which has a cult following then you need to keep the cult feel. Meaning: Shoot it the same way as if it was made from the 80's. Film, animatronics, special effects as if this movie was made a year after the first. Premise: Satan has taken over and enslaved mankind and only one person that can rescue humanity. That alone will make me fork over anything to watch this movie. 

Second choice:

Go dark. I mean really dark. Dark Knight dark. A revenge movie that isn't comedic, but scary. However, not a horror film. If Beetlejuice is going to have his revenge he isn't going to be happy. If he's angry, make the rest of the movie that way. 

Well that's all I have for an idea. I know isn't much, but I never said I would write a script. If you pay me or let this  blog get into the right hands, I would be more than happy to write a script. 

" No fucking way!"  Honk Honk!

Good point. 

 

 

Happy Valentine's Day

There comes a time in a man's life where he realizes one thing. His destiny. Sure, we all dream about something and we all strive towards it, but when it's actually here in front of us, and it's real...well, that's when you know it's a good feeling. Gentlemen, allow me to let you in on a secret. A secret that can make your wife, girlfriend, mistress, side hoe, skank, prosititue, and/or hole in the wall happy is this. You must listen. That's it. Just listen, because all women want is for you to listen to their problems. That's how women communicate. They want someone to listen to everything they think is wrong with them, or their shitty day at work, or their family giving them crap. They need a shoulder to cry on. When you talk it out, the better you feel. Don't try to solve anything, don't give her advice. Just sit there and listen. And when she asks for your opinion, give it to her with an honest answer. And yes, it may distract you from the game and other things but you must listen. Listen to what your woman is trying to tell you. The faster she gets all of her problems out for her day the faster she will leave you alone. Right ladies? Wrong, you talk too damn much.


How single would I be if I ended the blog like that?  I'm dumb, not stupid. Ladies, we love you. You know we would do anything for you. Hell, you put up with our shit more than we put up with your shit. You have a better tolerance for annoyance. I respect that. I was never pregnant so I can't imagine WHAT THE F is wrong with your body. I was very lucky when my wife was pregnant. She was chill. Really chill. But my sister... There is no God...

We all know Valentine's Day is a bull shit money making holiday. So my advice to everyone, just love each other. You don't need a card to tell your wife you love her. You don't need a fancy dinner or an expensive ring. You don't need anything at all gentlemen. Except one thing. A massage. And not just a massage. A foot massage. An all day long foot massage. If you can massage her feet all day long, you wont need anything else.

" I am the foot fucking master" - Jules Winnfield

Worst Super Bowl Ever!

Now that the dust has settled and the smoke has cleared, we can all relax. I am sure Peyton Manning had enough ridicule for the day; but, wow what a shitty day at work where billions witnessed it all unfold and talk about you just like this blog. Holy crap that sucks! Whenever I bomb on stage I tend to beat myself up about it all week. After watching Peyton get crucified, I've learned to brush shit off, even if it's the big one.

It's just a game people and you shouldn't stress or dwell about it either.  Win or lose, they don't care about you. Plus, I am sure Peyton has already forgotten about Super Bowl XLVIII.  The man is making bank and he's living a dream, good or bad he is still living a dream. Congratulations on doing something that not a lot of people can say they can do. Hell I would love to lose at a Super Bowl, that alone is an experience in itself. 

Eliminate the Broncos from the Super Bowl because they obviously didn't show up, but other than that everything else just sucked about it.  It was too damn long and the commercials sucked. Except for Captain America: Winter Solider which comes out April 4th! Look at last year with the 49ers vs Ravens, power goes out and the day just drags on. (Go Niners! Hopefully without KantpassperNick. You're a false prophet!)

After watching football during the regular season I tend to be a little lethargic but on Super Bowl Sunday I am just downright brain dead.  Why is that? I am sure it's a lot of things; booze, food, and the mindless stare at the idiot box for nearly 6-7 hours straight, I am sure that didn't have any effect on anyone. Let's just pray that we were not subjected to any Pavlov's treatment with different sound waves, subliminal messages and flickering from your TV. Who knows if we were hypnotized and would start killing someone from a certain noise?

"Oh Mike you're a conspiracy theorist. You're tripping." Maybe, but how much of an idiot do you feel after watching 7 hours straight of TV? Exactly. I know I didn't want to read a book after that long, draining, exhausting, boring Super Bowl.  Uh, I am still tired. Yawn! Don't yawn otherwise you'll start Yaaawning. Ha ha you thought about it and started to yawn. Well at least you're not shooting someone after being brainwashed.

I really need to cut back on watching football. I don't know why I fall into that Super Bowl trap – especially if my team is not playing. What's the point in watching it? Especially if the SheHawks are playing. Richard Sherman and Russell Wilson need to find another team, because Karma will finally come around to Pete Carroll. The future of the SheHawks isn't bright! The End is Near!  Get out now while you have talent! 

Well Peyton you had a hell of a season and you scored a ton of points on my fantasy team!  And that is what truly matters.  Team SteamiN Mikey B-Man!

The Invasion at Fosters Pub (+playlist)

Sacramento I will be at the Plum Cafe next week. Come out and support a good show.